Olive Effect

I started years ago on a journey for a service dog and it was harder than I ever thought it would be. Not just any dog can be a service dog they have to have a specific temperament and be raised in a certain way. That is an expensive process. I knew I could not give up I could not allow myself to be overtaken by my mental and physical limitations. I am not ashamed to say I fight against anxiety and PTSD, caused by traumatic events in my younger years. I also have Cerebral Palsy which limits my mobility and makes it difficult for me to perform daily life activities. I value my independence and refused to allow my limitations to define me. I know many people prefer to say that they suffer from various conditions, but I do not own that. I fight, I fight against my fear, I fight against the fatigue, the pain I have almost every day, and force myself to continue to move forward. Even if I cried the whole way. But please don’t lift me up as a hero or anyone to be admired. I am not, heroes are people who run into burning buildings, people who expose themselves to deadly diseases to care for others, people who risk being shot or killed to protect others. Don’t confuse having no choice, but to not give in with those who choose not to give in when given a choice. Fighting became that much hard when my boy, my best friend, my first child, Cody crossed the rainbow bridge. Cody wasn’t a service dog but Cody gave me a reason to wake up every day. Cody kept me from focusing on me. He loved me even when I didn’t love myself. I didn’t understand how much I depended on him until he was gone. The dark place I went to after his death is a place I hope none of you get to know. I felt like I was down in a well trying to claw my way out. That is until I found happiness on four legs. A jumpy, lovey, kissy, huggy, King Charles Caviler Spaniel by the name of Olive. Olive was not supposed to be mine she was meant to work with a dentist, but she decided that she liked me, and her owner/trainer Rachel Friedman decided she was best suited for me. I didn’t know it at the time but my life would change forever. I thought I was just getting a service dog but instead, I got a sassy, diva, who lights up any room she is in. She exudes happiness from her fur. We are still getting to know each other but she has been with me full-time since January and I have learned so much from her already. I will never forget the first time I took her out on my own I took her to a doctor’s appointment. I was so anxious but Olive was not. She proudly rode on my lap and stayed close to me. When we got to the appointment I had to do a breathing test and to say I was struggling would be an understatement. Somehow she just knew I was having a hard time and jumped on my lap and began licking my face. I laughed out loud and felt the anxiety melt away. She stayed on my lap the rest of the appointment as if to say to me mom we got this don’t worry. She always snuggles close to me in bed which I love because when I have a nightmare I wake up and she is just lying there snoring a way it makes it easier to calm myself. I pet her for a few minutes and it is easier for me to fall back asleep. She grounds me in reality and helps me to realize that I am not in danger. I used to be scared all the time living alone but now I have a happy alarm system that alerts me when anyone is near. Also, I am a lot less afraid when strangers approach me in a parking lot or out in the general world. I use Olive as my anxiety-o-meter she can alert me when I am getting overwhelmed and I can take that as a queue to calm myself down or take an inventory of my world. I remind myself I am not in a bad place I am safe. Olive also reminds me that I am a good person. She trusts me to care for her to keep her safe and she looks at me like I hung the moon. If I ever forget I am worthy and loved she is right there. I work what I would classify as a high-stress job. Anyone who works customer service can confirm that the public, in general, is demanding and the word no is not in their vocabulary. However, yell and scream all you want because while you are yelling and screaming I am petting the princess of happiness so guess what the answer is still no. Olive reminds me that self-care is important she won’t let me work for more than an hour without tapping me on the arm with her nose to say mom it’s me time. We usually play ball or we practice her training for a few minutes then I get back to work. Every evening when I am done with work I lean back in my chair and take a deep breath. Just something I started doing to bookend the day. Well, Olive has taken that as her signal now to jump on my lap. She will jump on my lap and for 20-30 minutes she will snuggle with me. I don’t know why she started doing this I think she just sensed that I needed some support and because I didn’t tell her no but instead encouraged it she has kept doing it without being prompted. I find myself matching her breath during this time. It is almost like meditating. I close my eyes and just concentrate on Olive’s energy. I often wonder to myself how this dog knew I needed her. I would have not picked this little dog for myself, but perhaps Olive knew something I did not. Yes, she still helps me with daily tasks but I am becoming more aware that her true purpose is to help me function mentally. Yes, she can pick things up and give them to me but what she has given me internally is the greater gift. Olive has helped me live without constant fear and has reduced the constant negative emotions and thoughts that run through my head. It occurred to me that I even feel lighter and more at ease with my life now. I am more able to control my emotions before they overwhelm me. Rachel Freidman says Olive and I have a team, but we are more than a team. She is like my arm or my leg. I can live without a lot of things, material items that in the end mean nothing, however, I could not live without Olive. Thank you to all those who supported me and my fundraising for Olive. You gave me a quality of life I thought I would never have. You gave me to strength to move forward in life and to live life to the fullest. Without you, I would not know the Olive Effect.

Expectations

The other day I was walking on a path near my house.  This is time I use to de-stress and speak to God about all the things I need to have long conversations about.  I was looking forward to this time because with everything that has gone on lately I needed to speak to the boss about it.  God had other plans for me that day.  I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts “The Chapter Day Bible”, when I heard a voice behind me.  I took off my headphones and the woman said “Can I push you.”  I smiled because this kind of defeated the purpose in coming here but she meant well.  I said no thanks.  To which she said in perfect ablest form “Well I’m going to stay with you for when you need help.”  I smiled again but in my head I was thinking are you serious?

She asked me what I was listening to and I told her it was podcast where a pastor reads the bible one chapter at a time and then prays with you.  She said she had not looked at the Bible in years.  “God doesn’t do anything for me”.  People say this a lot and I always ask the same question “What do you expect God to do for you?”  She explained to me a list of things that had happened to her that she felt God should have protected her from.  A job loss, loss of health, the death of love one, that she is not rich.  Ok I get this thinking it’s everywhere.  There are entire ministries build on it.  They say send us money and God will send it back to you two fold or you are going through _____ because you don’t believe God can deliver you from it.  I hate to break it to you this is bunk.  It’s not in the Bible at all.  In Mark 10:17-31 Jesus didn’t tell the rich man give me all our stuff and I will give it back to you with interest.  He says give up your life and follow me.   Give what you have because I give you eternal life.  I will give you heaven.  There is no story in the Bible where God made money rain from heaven or he healed anyone just because, everything had a reason.  I’m not saying God can’t do all those things, I mean he impregnated a virgin, he made manna rain from the sky, he walked on water, and he healed thousands.  He can do anything but he doesn’t just do those things because you ask for them or because you want them, or because you believe enough.  Jesus told us in Mark we are not good enough.  The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”

God didn’t say believe in me and your life won’t be hard.  He said believe in me and I will give you rest.  He said I will give you life.  Think about it Job went through years of suffering, Peter, Jesus’s best friend, the leader of the early church, was tortured and crucified.  Mary Jesus’s own mother watched her son die in the most horrible way possible.   John the Baptist was put in jail and beheaded.  None of these things sound good or pleasant but God allowed them to happen.  I am not telling you not to ask for what you want.  The Bible says ask and you will be answered, knock and the door will be opened for you.  Philippians says ” Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything make your requests to God ..by prayer, thanksgiving and placing your request to God, the peace of God will guard your heart and mind fully beyond understanding (Phil. 4: 6–7).”  But listen if you pray and God doesn’t answer you it’s not because he doesn’t hear you.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but God is bigger than just me.  

When I was little I never understood why I was different.  I didn’t understand why the kids made fun of me or why God would let these things happen to me.  You see God didn’t mean for my life to be easy.  This world is not my home so I am not meant to be comfortable here.  Neither are you.  We all fail here despite how hard we try.  We can only love God as much as possible in this life and be obedient to him not because he promised us great things here on earth but because he made it possible for us to spend eternity with him.  He gave his only son not because we deserved it but because we don’t.  Because I couldn’t do enough, be good enough, or give enough.  When I was in 6th grade I had this amazing science teacher, Mr. Levin.  Mr. Levin encouraged me and taught me with the patience of a saint because I am terrible at science.  It was hard for me to understand and hard for me to remember but I wanted to do well I wanted to try because I knew Mr. Levin cared about me, he wanted me to learn, he believed in my ability.  

God works kind of like that.  He didn’t say it wouldn’t be hard but he wants to love us, he wants us to learn, to grow.  He believes in us and that is why he sent his son to make sure we had the promise of better things.  So stop expecting your life to be easy.  Instead remember God has the ending worked out for you.  God gave you everything you need, eternal life.  Know that God walks with you through all your trials, he sees your tears, his arms are around you.  Pray without ceasing but don’t expect the answer you want because that is not promised to you.

Welcome to our world - please don't move anything

With the recent arrival of COVID-19 or Corona Virus to the shores of the United States, everyone is encouraged to stay away from large groups and to practice social distancing. Most social events, sporting events, and religious activities are canceled. I have found it interesting how upset my friends and others I know have been about not being able to go out to their choice of activity. I have listened to parents complain about their children having nothing to do and not being able to play with their friends. These are all valid concerns and I understand why this is frustrating for you.

BUT I must say welcome to the life of most people with a disability.

No, I am not being dramatic or joking. The majority of those with disabilities either cannot hold a job or cannot find one. They may also risk losing benefits they need to live independently, such as assistance with home care or personal care if they work. So not going to work is normal for someone with a disability.

You're upset about having nowhere to go but what if you couldn't just pick up and leave even if you had somewhere to go? You have no car to drive and have to depend on others for your basic needs. People are complaining about not being able to make their bills because they have been laid off due to the virus or are unable to go to work because they are not essential. This is a valid and stressful concern, however, this is an everyday concern for those living on a disability payment. Living on disability means that you are living in poverty and if you make additional money your benefits can be cut or eliminated depending on how much you make.

Hopefully, you are practicing social distancing to keep yourself and your family safe. When they announced this recommendation on the news my first thought was "that's my life every day". I have noticed ever since I was little that people distance from me. People hug me less and shake my hand less than my abled counterparts. They always step a few steps away from me.  A study in Britain found that half of the working-age disabled people reported being lonely. That is 3 million people. A study in 2018 by the KFF found that having a disability was a large factor in whether someone feels lonely and isolated. This was true in the US, Japan, and the UK. The same study found that having a disability means you are twice as likely to feel alone or lonely. Think about this for just a moment....you have been living the quarantine life for a few weeks but this could be your everyday life. The only people you come in contact with are medical personnel or people at the grocery store.  

It is sad and isolating for all of us. The stresses of this life can be overwhelming and create additional health concerns if sustained for a long period of time. It is my hope that this small taste of what life with a disability is like will change the abled communities perception of disability. Perhaps now we can talk about more programs to help people with disabilities work, travel, have access to transportation, and more social activities. When this is over don't forget that there are still others in a structural quarantine that need us to continue to work to breakdown the walls that surround them.

Stop Touching My Butt

Recently I was taking a training class for work in a building that was new to me. I was walking down the hall and this person comes up behind me and it happened. Out of nowwhere when I was least expecting it. Someone started pushing my wheelchair from behind. My heart begins to race I'm in panic mode. “Please stop.”

The response I receive is “Just put your arms up it's fine I am going to help you. I don't mind.”

“No thank you I prefer to push myself stop now.” My anxiety kicks in as this not so helpful person does not stop and does not slow down. Why is she not heeding my words. Why is this happening. “Stop now right now.” I grip the wheels tighter throwing all my strength into the effort. The wheel rims burn into my hands and I feel a shooting pain in my wrists. My body is thrown slightly forward, but luckily I don't fall out of my chair. I sit still for a few seconds trying to gather myself. “I can push myself thank you.”

“You should let me help you your arms must be tired.” At this point I am getting annoyed, and I am trying my hardest to keep my composure and my tone light. In my head I'm thinking do your legs get tired when you walk?

“My arms are not tired and I prefer to push myself. Please leave me alone.” I say.

“You don't have to get so upset about it I am just trying to help you. You should take help when it is offered to you.” She huffs away. It takes me several minutes to calm myself from the experience and for the rest of the day I vacillate from anger and fear. First why am I at fault here? I am just rolling through the office and you took it upon yourself to “help” despite me saying very nicely no thank you. What if you were walking along and I just came up behind you and picked you up and started carrying you. Wouldn't you object to that?

Why?

Would it be because I had violated your space? Because I took away your right to choose? Because I assumed something that you may not have wanted? EXACTLY!

I have said this before, my chair is a part of my body. No different to me then my arm, my foot or my butt. When someone grabs my chair without my permission and tries to push me it is like being violated. It is like you are touching my butt. You would not want someone you don't know to touch your butt and I don't either.

I know you are just trying to help but your help is more harmful than you know. It makes me feel unsafe and makes me angry. Why are my rights and wishes not as important as yours? Imagine for just a moment you were at a bar just standing there enjoying your drink or time with friends and a perfect stranger comes up and smacks your butt. You would be outraged and you would probably file some sort of complaint right?

This is the same for me and I wish abled people would stop doing it. Please stop touching my butt.

Are you Angry at God?

I get asked a lot of questions by well-meaning people who want to learn more about disability.  Most of the time I have no problem answering them because I would rather you know then not know.

I am often asked the following: Are you angry at God for your disability?  This question in my mind assumes that I have something to be angry about.  It further goes back to some people's perception that having a disability is more challenging when you compare it to not having a disability and as such I would be angry that I was given something that another person was not.  I suppose that I was given something that other people were not, but I don't see it as a negative.

For a long time the only images of disability I saw on TV or movies was of the angry person.  It makes a more engaging story.  Something that abled people can easily digest, the image of the angry guy/girl in wheelchair who is in some tragic accident.  They are so mad that their life was changed and they make some miraculous recovery or after finding the love of their life they come to change their attitude about their disability.  Like many stories this is just that a story, and may have happened to one person once, but is not close to the reality of life.

That is not to say I don't get angry ever.  I get very angry when people call me "speedy" or "wheels," but that is a post for another day.  I get angry when there is no accessible parking in the parking lot, or when I have to wait forever for an accessible stall and I really have to go.  I swore last week when I was trying to open the door to my apartment building and it was so heavy that it took me three tries to get through.  However, those situations have nothing to do with God.  They have to do with the world around me and the barriers that come with having a disability in the United States.  

Do I sometimes wish my situation was different? Of course!  Again nothing to do with God or my disability.  I wish people were more caring.  I wish people thought more about how their actions impacted others.  I wish people were more accepting. I also wish Luke Bryant was single and interested in dating me. 

My life verse is Daniel 7:9 :“As I looked, “thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took his seat. His clothing was as white as snow; the hair of his head was white like wool. His throne was flaming with fire, and its wheels were all ablaze." (Bible Gateway)

 I read this to mean that God has a wheelchair and probably the coolest one ever made.  (How cool would it be to have a wheelchair that fire came out of?  No one would mess with you then.) Now before you start writing me angry comments, I know this is not what this verse was intended to say.  I would argue that God has a plan for everyone and has thought about all of the ways and content that he will use  to shape us.  Jeremiah 29:11 tells us he knows us and how our life is going to go.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Bible Gateway)

So I have to believe that he put this verse and this inspiration in my path for me to come to a deeper meaning for myself and I don't believe that diminishes the true meaning of the verse but in fact enhances it  If God's plan is not to harm me but to give me hope for the future why would I be angry at a curve that he sent me?  I get to be truly unique and unforgettable in a way that no one else is.

I have to reason that God's plan to give me my disability was part of a plan.   That it has the greater purpose then the minor irritations the world presents to me.  Maybe my purpose is to be a voice for those who cannot speak or to educate those without a disability on what life is like with one.  Perhaps I will not know until I meet the Lord in person.  I may never know and that is alright with me because my life is happy and full.  I am not angry I am blessed.

Kids say the darnest things

So anyone who really knows me knows that I have a heart for children and animals.  I think because they are vulnerable and because their love is pure and honest.  I have always taken the stance that anyone who asks me an honest and fair question I will answer even if it comes from a child.  I feel that education is the only way to combat the ignorance that people seem to have in reference to those with disabilities. 

The other day I was getting out of the car and a young boy I know, who we will call David, approached me and asked without shame " Why do you use a wheelchair?" 

His father stepped in right away before I could respond and said "David we don't ask that. It's not polite."  He turned to me and says "I am sorry we are trying to teach him."

I responded "I'm not offended"
He says "He doesn't understand he doesn't mean to be rude."
I said again, "I am not offended.  He asked a valid question in a very respectful way and deserves an answer." I explained that my legs do not work as well as his so I need the wheelchair to help me get around.  David seemed satisfied with this answer and moved on to tell me about what he has been doing lately.

This issue has been a struggle for me because I am not offended by children's questions and I think it is better to answer their questions then to teach them that they should not ask them.  When you create knowledge and understanding when children encounter someone with a disability or someone who is different from them they are less likely to discriminate against these people.   However, I don't want to contradict or undermine a parent.  I have information that parent does not know, asking a question like David did is not rude.  It is the start of questioning, the start of understanding, the start of acceptance.  If you take that away from a child they will not grow and they will grow up to be an adult who does not know how to seek knowledge and to question the world around them.

 I wonder what would happen if we all took the time to understand those who are different from us?  To learn from them and grow in our understanding of each other.  Could we erase hate and bigotry?  Could we create a kinder world for kids like David?  Maybe the world would be a little safer too.  Who wouldn't want that?  Knowledge is the antidote I know of to hate.

Get Positive Live Positive By Melinda Carver

Recently on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites, my friends have been asking for good books to read.  Well, I just finished "Get Positive Live Positive" by Melinda Carver.  First, let me say I am not much for books like this.  I generally read historical texts, biographies, and real crime but something about this book pulled me in.  Maybe it was the bright yellow cover; it could have been the reviews on the back cover that raved about Melinda.


I had some time to sit down and read it last weekend and yes I read it in one day!  I had a tough time putting it down.  Melinda writes in a very easy to follow manner and with simple diagrams.  Her message is one of love and understanding that we all need to hear in a time when everyone is rushing out and trying to achieve with no idea how to do it.



Carver taps into a concept that psychology has told us are true for years.  Thinking positively affects brain chemistry and also your bodies reaction to stress.  This also plays a significant role  in your health (Fiske, 2014.)  I have tried several of the techniques outlined in the book for the past few days and have noticed a marked difference in my life and my attitude.  If nothing else this book brings to the forefront self-care and our need to take put ourselves first more often.

To give you a sample here is my list of positive traits I say to myself.

1. I am beautiful
2. I am kind
3. I am strong

Get Positive Live Positive is available on Melinda Carver's website, Amazon, Walmart, and Barns and Noble.
http://psychicmelinda.webs.com/



Fiske, S. T. (2014). Social beings: core motives in social psychology. Hoboken: Wiley.